When I watch any Matrix movie, I like to pretend Keannu is being Ted instead of Neo 

and mentally replace all his lines with 

"Woah", "Excellent" and "Bogus"

A Cautionary Tale

Haiku for the Modern Gentleman

We are on Playschool
Open wide, and like Big Ted
I will come inside

Screw It

I walk past Public bar to see what's cracken'
Bump into a guy I once was pashin'
I ignore him cause that's just what you do
He ignores me cause he thinks so too

Later that evening and drunk off his skull
He comes by me says "Hey, you doin' well?"
I say "Sure, hey how about you?"
He goes "Yeah, fuck, where's the loo?"

Much later still he touches my bum
Says "Come on darlin', you know you want some"
"Dude", I say, "I'm not that sad"
He snorts and says "I know you want it bad"

I say "Shoo"
He says "Pooh"
Now we're both a bit lonely with nothin' to screw.

Mirror, Mirror

Christmas Jokes You Can Actually Laugh To

Guest post #1: Potter on the Run by Zac Stanley

Potter On The Run

By Zac Stanley

Published: December 10, 2010

LONDON- Three days after the tragic slaying of local mental patient, Voldus Mort, at the hands of his recently escaped cell mate, Harry Potter, the public have raised their wands in protest to the Ministry’s apparent inability to apprehend the most dangerous fugitive the wizarding community has seen since Sirius Black.

Following the discovery of Mort’s body on the grounds of the abandoned Hogwarts castle, the authorities were quick to obtain warrants for the capture and arraignment of the deranged Potter. The actual capture of the fugitive, however,  has proved too great a task for the Ministry’s Auror Unit. Kingsley Shacklebolt, new head of the Auror Unit after the untimely demise of Alastor Moody- also at Potter’s hands- had this to say on the subject of the ongoing manhunt:

“Potter is a deluded psychopath. These people are always the hardest to track. They do not follow the same patterns as rationally thinking escapees and thus present a new challenge. Do not doubt that we will bring this killer to justice, however. It is only a matter of time. The Auror Unit and the Ministry itself urges the wizarding community to exercise extreme caution until such a time that the Potter menace is neutralized.”

Potter was last institutionalized after a string of murders- including those of his parents- were linked to him by the late Alastor Moody. His analyst and those orderlies who came into contact with him during his stay at St. Mungo’s Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries all agreed that Potter’s ailment was mental rather than magical. Due to the violent and magical nature of his illness, however, his detainment in the highly guarded and little known Dangerous Patient Ward was deemed extremely necessary by the Minister of Magic himself.

Gordon Mufflot, an orderly at St. Mungo’s had this to say about Potter’s illness:

“It ain’t right, sometimes, locking people up because they ain’t right in the head. No windows, no doors except when one of us orderlies or a doctor makes one and no company but another drooling crazy in the bed oposite. In Potter’s case, though, I’d’ve thrown him in the dungeon and forgotten about him if it was up to me. Always mumbling to people that weren’t there, he was. Hermione and Ron- they were the main ones, always chatting away, they were. That weren’t all though, no sir. He had a whole world plotted out in that screwy head of his- Voldemorts and Death Eaters and a school for little witches and wizards. Imagine that- learnin’ magic in a school.  Anyway, I knew he was different the whole while he was in there- always cut my visits to that room short as I could.”

After escaping with Mort, a feat which to this day baffles both the doctors of St. Mungo’s and the  Ministry’s Aurors, Potter allegedly transported his cell mate and himself to the abandoned grounds of Hogwarts castle, the site of his imagined “school for young witches and wizards”. Aurors have reverse engineered the spells which Potter used on Mort before his demise, and have concluded that Mort was made very uncomfortable with a string of stinging and itching curses before his eventual demise at the hands of the Killing Curse.

A memorial service for Voldus Mort will be held by his family this Thursday and they have invited any empathetic witches or wizards from the London area to attend. The late Mort’s wife had this to say on the subject of her husband’s untimely death:

“Voldie was a good man at his core, he was only in that ward for a couple days a month to be restrained for his lycanthropic episodes. Every time I think of him locked in that room with that lunatic Potter, I just can’t... I can’t.” The recently widowed Ms. Mort took a short break from the interview and returned later to voice her grievances.

“It’s the fault of the Ministry. That Minister locked him away from the public but not from my husband. I don’t care that Potter was underage when he killed all those people. He should have been tried as an adult and sent to Azkaban!” Ms. Mort once again descended into tears at this point but wished to convey that a charity fund would be set up in the name of her husband to fund research into a cure for lycanthropy. She asked that those who were affected by the death of her husband would donate a Sickle or Knut in his honor.